The time has come....

I have always been the confident and the ambitious one. I always get what I want, when I want it and ..in my way.

When I was hit with deep depression many many years back, I totally lost my will to live. Not that I was thinking to end my life, NO! But I have to admit that sometimes I thought I might as well ..than to carry this burden of life. Astaghfirullahalzim.

I never want to go back to those 'dark zone' ever again. But, back then, I had great support. Friends and family were at my disposal. My mom said that all this while, I have been blessed....my journey in life have been a smooth ride. So a hitch once in a while won't kill you. It just makes you stronger. Looking back, she was right, apart from being stronger.

Now, I feel as if the feeling is slightly creeping back. No, I am not depressed nor am I having a really tough time. It's just that I think I have had enough. I must say that I enjoyed life as a student in the UK. But enough is enough. It doesn't seem appealing to me anymore. Nothing life could offer will flatter my heart anymore. Same old same old.

I couldn't care less about life as I kept thinking about my study. I have 2 reports to finish and yet I, up to now could not put my heart into it. I can't risk taking my kid for a walk because it seems so wrong to do so when you have so much work at hand. But then again, as the night falls, my progress stays as it is and I just wished we'd been to the park for Alia's bike ride. At least I've done something useful and made my kid happy. This has been happening for more than a week. Heart filled with guilt.

My daughter has to put up with me and my sorry state, almost all the time. I woke up in the morning to find my daughter watching tv, eating Jammie Dodgers biscuit for breakfast. Damn! By the time I cooked her breakfast, it was already lunch time.

I tried to feed her proper meals 3 times a day, when I remember. There are times when, in the middle of the night, I find her fast asleep and it flicked through my head that she has not had her dinner. I feel terrible. The fact that I stocked up on bread, biscuits, waffles and cakes within her reach so she can have it whenever she feels like it, doesn't help to ease this feeling.

I feel as if I am stuck in a rut. I hate not making progress. My hubby asked me to take a break and fly back home, in time for Hari Raya. He said he would bear the cost. I really want to do so. I do! But I just can't. I want to finish my work, I want my supervisor to be happy with my work, I want to impress him. I want to finish my fieldwork and then I want to concentrate on my writing. Then only will I be happy and I want to go somewhere special, like Spain. Until then, whatever I do, I do it half-heartedly. I do it, carrying the guilt with me.

The problem is, I do not find reading journals interesting anymore. I do not find the thrill in playing with graphs and statistics anymore. I do not find the buzz in writing anymore. The flame has gone, perhaps? My confidence is plummeting and the shadow of doubt is there. Whether or not am I capable of doing this and put a stop to the mother of guilt and worrisome? I don't know.

Dia

Orang kata, absence make the heart grow fonder. Aku setuju sangat. Selama ini, aku sentiasa nampak kekurangannya terhadapku. Tapi sejak sang suami kembali meneruskan tugas di tanahair, otakku menayangkan kembali kelakuan dan kekuranganku terhadap suamiku. How ungrateful I was back then. Hidup ini sementara, kita tak tahu bila masa ajal akan tiba. Kalau terjadi tiba-tiba dan tidak diduga, aku tidak mahu menyesal di kemudian hari. Aku mahu memohon maaf atas segala kekuranganku terhadapnya. Kalau hidupku tak lama, aku mahu dia tahu hatiku.

Aku kecewa bila dia tidak pandai memujuk,
Aku merajuk kala dia buat tak kisah,
Aku rimas bila dia suruh aku itu dan ini,
Aku muncung bila dia tak mau ikut aku jalan-jalan,
Aku geram bila dia tak pandai letak baju kotor dalam laundry basket,
Aku punya pelbagai rasa terhadap si dia,
Above all, aku cinta dia.

Aku selalu lupa,
Dia yang buat aku ketawa,
Dia yang sangat prihatin,
Dia yang bangun buat kopi waktu pagi,
Dia yang membiarkan aku tidur lagi,
Dia yang menenangkanku saat aku bermimpi ngeri,

Dia yang suka menyakat aku,
Dia yang menjadi pak supirku,
Dia yang menjadi Mr Tumble,
Dia yang sabar dengan karenahku,
Dia yang menelan amarahku ketika aku naik hantu,

Dia yang membuat aku rasa special,
Dia yang menjadi suamiku,
Dia yang dipilih Allah untukku,
Dia yang kucintai.

Terima kasih suamiku.

Semoga perjalanan cinta ini berkembang mekar sehingga ke akhir hayat kita. Amin.