3rd ultrasound

We headed off to bangi for antenatal check up, yesterday afternoon. Quite a handful for the doc sbb ramai expectant ptg tu. We were so excited to see our precious little baby on the monitor. We are expecting a baby boy!

Syukur alhamdulillah. Sebenarnya bg kami, boy ke girl x kisah sgt, as long as the baby is fit n healthy. Sihat sempurna. Boy is definitely a bonus sbb dah ada girl. Alia was hoping for a baby girl. Merajuk sekejap bila dpt tahu baby boy. Hmmmmm.....dh tgk bb nanti, mesti dia ok. Next visit, lagi 5 minggu.

Hari ni jugak aku dh submit chapter 1-5 of my 2nd draft. Tinggal 3 more remaining chapters, masih dgn sv. Harap2 dpt submit ASAP. Kalau boleh nk g viva sebelum kandungan 7 bulan. InsyaAllah.

Apa tujuan tulis blog?

Aku terpanggil untuk menulis entry ni lepas baca blog Cik Wan kiter. Apa tujuan aku buat blog ni? Niat asalnya nak abadikan kenangan pahit-manis semasa blaja kat sini. Ala-ala macam diari gitu. Nak tulis pasal cabaran-cabaran sepanjang aku dok mengaji neh. Tapi aku rasa uncomfortable pulak nak citer bab2 ngaji neh. I make a promise to myself, bila dah konpem berjaya, akan aku tulis liku-liku dan cabaran-cabaran dalam buat PhD ni. Kadang rasa senang, kadang rasa payahnya............


Jadinya for the time being, aku lebih selesa letak gambar aku anak-beranak, tempat yang kami pegi, aktiviti kami....benda2 biasa bagi orang lain tapi special bagi kami. Aku paling suka tengok perkembangan Alia dalam blog ni...dari budak kecik yang umurnya 3 tahun masa mula2 menjejakkan kaki kat sini sampai la sekarang dah nak jadi anak dara sunti, hehehhehe.

Sekarang ni pon aku tak sabar-sabar nak habiskan study cepat-cepat. Aku nak spend masa ngan anak daraku yang dah lama terabai. Balik sekolah, dia main sorang2, berangan sorang2. Aku pulak just not in the mood nak main ngan dia sebab otak dok pikir pasal keja je. Walaupun hakikatnya aku takde la buat keja 24-7, walaupun memang glued to the desk all day (and night) long! Sampai kejang punggung neh. Senget dah pinggang ni rasanya. Tapi tak produktif la aku ni. Kalau dapat menulis sehari dalam 2-3 jam pun dah ok la.

Aku nak cepat-cepat abiskan study, nak keluar rumah menikmati spring yang dah menjengah. Nak hirup udara nyaman dengan bebas tanpa batu besar yang tergalas di bahu sejak beberapa tahun lepas. I'm getting there, insyaAllah............usaha....usaha......usaha.

The time has come....

I have always been the confident and the ambitious one. I always get what I want, when I want it and ..in my way.

When I was hit with deep depression many many years back, I totally lost my will to live. Not that I was thinking to end my life, NO! But I have to admit that sometimes I thought I might as well ..than to carry this burden of life. Astaghfirullahalzim.

I never want to go back to those 'dark zone' ever again. But, back then, I had great support. Friends and family were at my disposal. My mom said that all this while, I have been blessed....my journey in life have been a smooth ride. So a hitch once in a while won't kill you. It just makes you stronger. Looking back, she was right, apart from being stronger.

Now, I feel as if the feeling is slightly creeping back. No, I am not depressed nor am I having a really tough time. It's just that I think I have had enough. I must say that I enjoyed life as a student in the UK. But enough is enough. It doesn't seem appealing to me anymore. Nothing life could offer will flatter my heart anymore. Same old same old.

I couldn't care less about life as I kept thinking about my study. I have 2 reports to finish and yet I, up to now could not put my heart into it. I can't risk taking my kid for a walk because it seems so wrong to do so when you have so much work at hand. But then again, as the night falls, my progress stays as it is and I just wished we'd been to the park for Alia's bike ride. At least I've done something useful and made my kid happy. This has been happening for more than a week. Heart filled with guilt.

My daughter has to put up with me and my sorry state, almost all the time. I woke up in the morning to find my daughter watching tv, eating Jammie Dodgers biscuit for breakfast. Damn! By the time I cooked her breakfast, it was already lunch time.

I tried to feed her proper meals 3 times a day, when I remember. There are times when, in the middle of the night, I find her fast asleep and it flicked through my head that she has not had her dinner. I feel terrible. The fact that I stocked up on bread, biscuits, waffles and cakes within her reach so she can have it whenever she feels like it, doesn't help to ease this feeling.

I feel as if I am stuck in a rut. I hate not making progress. My hubby asked me to take a break and fly back home, in time for Hari Raya. He said he would bear the cost. I really want to do so. I do! But I just can't. I want to finish my work, I want my supervisor to be happy with my work, I want to impress him. I want to finish my fieldwork and then I want to concentrate on my writing. Then only will I be happy and I want to go somewhere special, like Spain. Until then, whatever I do, I do it half-heartedly. I do it, carrying the guilt with me.

The problem is, I do not find reading journals interesting anymore. I do not find the thrill in playing with graphs and statistics anymore. I do not find the buzz in writing anymore. The flame has gone, perhaps? My confidence is plummeting and the shadow of doubt is there. Whether or not am I capable of doing this and put a stop to the mother of guilt and worrisome? I don't know.

Catching up

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa......lama betul tak update blog ni. Sudah bersawang gamaknya. I have literally been on the move : sekejap dok rumah, sekejap keluar rumah. Masuk hutan, keluar hutan. Nasib baik ada sang suami yang sama-sama tolong aku pegi field. This time around, kat ladang *oink oink di Windsor Great Park. 3-4 kali jugak kami ke sana. The smell was horrible but luckily my work did not have any direct contact with those yang hidung penyek tu.

Aku cuma menjadi ala2 penoreh getah a.k.a scrapping the algae off the trees. My hubby siap pakai mask segala...tak tahan katanya. Nasib baik aku bersemangat waja...walau hidungku kembang-kempis menahan bau yg semacam tu. Minggu depan kena masuk utan lagi...pasang diffusion tubes, to monitor the ammonia and nitrogen dioxide at the site. Pastu kena amik bark pH and then pegi ambik balik semua tubes tu. Lepas tu...abis le projek ni.

Mid June, we will be leaving for Scotland pulak, for my last and final fieldwork. Tak sabar nak tunggu semua keje abis. Hmmmm......

Hutan orang putih ni lapang je.....sebab takde canopy macam rainforest kita. Gambar ni masa winter so banyak pokok2 kecik kebanyakannya dormant. Summer ni pokok2 tu mula naik balik so ada le semak sikt2.

Ni la rupa kuadrat yang aku letak kat atas batang pokok oak. Yang hijau tu adalah terrestrial algae, my "prime suspect", hhihihi.

Aksi seorang penoreh getah tanpa rela.

Itu saja laporan academic utk kali ini...........

CAPER 2010 at University of York

I was away from 29-31 March, attending CAPER 2010. CAPER stands for Committee on Air Pollution Effects Research. It was my first time and I was glad that I have been given the opportunity to give a talk. I was not very proud of my performance...since I do not think I have done the best. I put it to lack of practice. So there is no one else to blame but me. I promised myself that I will do better next time. Next CAPER conference will be held in Edinburgh. We'll see if there is any improvement on my side. That aside, I learnt a lot at this conference. I met a few big shots in air pollution study and I was approached by researchers from Netherlands who are interested to join forces in my algae project. That is quite good for a start, I think.

With the Pakistanis who have been a great help. Really good to meet such a nice people. They even begged and insisted us for staying another night at York so they could show us around. Very nice of them. They helped me through the night, the day before my talk. We had rehearsals and Q&A sessions as well.

Me.....ready to give my talk. Quite composed on the outside but falling apart on the inside, I must say.

Lunch and dinner was well served. I really loved the carrot cakes (not in the pic), I had them 2 days in a row. We were well-fed, then. The food is halal, too. So we had chicken as well.

University of York.

After my presentation...feel free and alive again.

This short trip has really taught me something. It injected a sense of 'keinsafan', hahhah. Feel like I'm not gonna waste anymore time and will locked myself up in the room, focusing on my research project. So refreshing.

Tapi...minggu depan aktiviti jalan2 akan bermula sempena Easter holiday and school break. Nak pegi Norwich, Lancaster n Stoke. Camna ni? Tangguh dulu la semangat membara nak study tu. I'll put it on hold...but not for long. Takleh main2 dah...time is running out. Wish me luck, guys!

Paris Day 4 : Chateau de Versailles & The Monalisa

Hari ke-4, kami menghala ke Versailles. This place was suggested by my French friend, Henri. Kami tak masuk pun ke dalam istana ni sebab masa suntuk. We arrived at 2pm and have to head back to Paris Diderot University for some lecture later in the afternoon. Layan gambar je la ye, though the pics were not as great due to wintry weather.

Jardin du Versailles (Garden of Versailles)

Garden of Versailles

Cantik, kan?

Arca yang pelbagai bentuk dan saiz

Di Versailles, ada free admittance for the frontyard garden. So kami pun memulakan sesi mengambil gambar. Hari tu ramai pelancong2 Korea dan Jepun. Mereka datang on tour bus, sebab banyak bas-bas beratur kat depan the grand entrance. This palace is so grandeur, with a massive garden. They provide kereta (macam keta main golf tu .. apa tah namanya) for the tour.

Paris Diderot University

Upacara wajib - bergambar dulu sebelum masuk lecture theatre

Sebelum ke Versailles, my hubby and Alia went to Louvre Musuem, tempat dimana potret Monalisa ditayang kepada umum. I did not join them as I was attending a symposium at Paris University. Sungguh boring....I was half asleep (no...I was fast asleep..harap2 tak berdengkur), tapi kenapa ada mamat 2 org tu jeling2 kat aku pastu sengih2? Mungkinkah aku berdengkur? Oh, sungguh memalukan!

Palace of Versailles

Louvre Musuem

Senibina kat belakang ni agak terkenal..pun aku lupa apa namanya

Versailles

Malam tu, selepas penat mendengar ceramah dan juga berjalan-jalan ke Versailles, we had Asiatte Grek Kebab (Kebab ayam dihiris halus) for dinner. In fact, almost everyday, ni le menu kami. My hubby who can't live without nasi, dragged us to Carrefour and we stock up for the next few days. He had microwaveable rice, tinned sardine and mixed salad for supper. Puas hati dapat makan nasi, katanya. Hahahha.

Sehingga berjumpa lagi ....tunggu catatan hari ke-5 pulak ye yakni hari terakhir kami di bumi Napoleon Bonaparte ni.

Fieldwork at CEH, Edinburgh

A few days after raya, we headed off to Peebles, Scotland for my fieldwork. The driving took us 8 hours and we arrived at the B&B around 10pm. Tired and hungry, we were aghast to be welcomed by a very old lady. Really old....dah bongkok tiga! She owns and runs the place all by herself! Tabik spring betul. Bila aku siasat2 (biasa la...aku kan inspektor sahab), rupanya umur dia dah 81 tahun! Larat dia runs the 2-storey B&B sorang2.....

The room was masssive, with high ceiling (ala2 Edwardian/Victorian style?) and full of character. The furnitures were large to compensate for the big room. Terasa lavish pun ye jugak. We had full English breakfast (minus the sausages), cereals and puddings, in the morning. Not bad la. Cumanya puddings tu aku rasa from the tinned one so memang agak kureng le.

Welcome to Scotland!

English border

Rest area at the Scottish Border

Northumberland, among the most beautiful in England

Alia got her own bed at the B&B - not 1 but 2 ! White and fluffy.

English style B&B. Antique furniture and lace everywhere. Yang tak best, katilnya kecik sebab we got 3 single bed...so mama and ayah share the same bed, Alia got 2 to choose from!

Posing depan B&B tue....

Backyard garden at the B&B. Full of roses of different varieties.

White bench for a relaxing afternoon....
The view was spectacular

Here we are...in Peebles

Old town of Peebles

After having our breakfast we drove off to the Whim bog. Researchers from Centre of Ecology and Hydrology (CEH) have been conducting the research since 2000. So I will utilize the ready-made respond of algae towards diferent treatments of wet and dry nitrogen deposition. Senang sebab tak payah tunggu bertahun-tahun untuk tengok result, susah sebab kena datang lagi next year for the transect study and kena kira algae tu individually under the microscope. The next day, we went to CEH head office in Edinburgh for data analysing tapi malangnya they were reluctant to let me anywhere near their hi-tech microscope 'cos their technician was off sick that day. Abis camno? Makcik pun blah le....pegi duduk kat Travelodge and berkurung kat situ, siapkan report. Even so, sempat le jugak jalan2 sikit.

Lady at work...sejuk giler ni!

Me and my acting supervisor.......

Tengah mengorek algae off the peat bog. Yang macam rumput tu ialah Calluna vulgaris, common species in heathland ecosystem.

Ibunya tertonggeng2 bekerja, anaknya sibuk berposing.

One for the album

Sempat le kami jenguk Royal Botanic Garden kejap....siangnya berkurung in the hotel room je...buat keja.

Taman oh taman

This part of the garden, bau wangi......

Impressive! Mesti susah nak maintain kan..tingggiii

Tropical glass house kat belakang nun tapi dah tutup so bergambo je le....

Alia the butterfly

Penat berjalan, bertenggek plak.

Then esoknya sempat gak kami pegi Heriot-Watt university, tempat hubby blaja dulu. Hajat di hati nak gi jumpa his ex-supervisor...saja la nak say hello but (as expected), he was not in. So kami melilau in the area je.....

School lama hubby

Tasik kat depan school

Anak daraku yang suka berposing






With one of the co-founder, Mr Watt.

Sepanjang kat Scotland, kami makan kebab and masak nasi kat hotel. We brought along our old rice cooker since my hubby cannot live without rice. Berasap2 bilik hotel tu....takpe la, janji kenyang perut suka hati. Oh, for those yang nak tour Edinburgh, dengan 3 pounds bus ticket you have unlimited ride around Edinburgh for the whole day. Parking space was a nightmare so baik naik bas. We all hari tu tak sempat sebab last day baru perasan offer ni.


Jumpa lagi!