This is how I feel

I do and always believe that life is beautiful or at least make myself believe that, most of the time. I do. I do. But when things did not turn out the way it was supposed to be, I have this question lingering in my mind over and over again. Is life REALLY is beautiful? Well, from the way I see it, it is only beautiful when you have a good job, a decent house, a nice car and MOST importantly the loved ones - your hubby, kids, family etc right beside you. No matter how contented you might feel right now but without family and friends, life is just not worth it. Is life still beautiful when you get back from work, stressed out and tired and finding that your hubby is not there to share the feelings? He's a million miles away from you. Is life still beautiful when your little one kept asking when ayah is going to be with us? When we skyped later that evening, the feelings I felt earlier were not the same anymore. Even if I told him how tired I was, the feelings are different compared to telling him face to face, leaning my head towards him and he ultimately helps me to ease the pain away. Or he reads the book for Alia over his computer while over here, the little one holds the storybook for him to read? And this laptop-to-laptop communication was not really helping. It was then but not anymore. It just make me feel sad. Later you find out that you blamed life for making things difficult for you. For made you or rather push and force you to put up with this and be strong? I mean, how strong can I be?

Entah apa yang aku mengarut ni. It's a mixed feelings. I don't know how to put it in words. All I know is that I longed for my family especially my hubby. He told me it will not be long before he join us here, be a family again. He'll be with us in 2 months time. I can't hardly wait for that. But what if ....what if.....oh, sod it. So many what if's. All the nasty thoughts. I pray to the Almighty, hoping that everything will be all right. A little leeway is fine as long as it is for the best. The ideal scenario is his sabatical leave will be granted, join a research group in Silwood and we spend most of our time together. Harap sangat. And hopefully he will be here for quite a long time. Long enough to make Alia happy. Her ayah used to read for her before going to bed and played with her. And I played his role eversince he flew back to Malaysia, but I just don't have enough time to do this anymore, all by myself. I think I'm getting tired. I don't want to play mom and dad anymore. I'm dead tired.

I tried to picture all the nice things but the negatives kept bombarded in. The worst scenario is he only got a few months leave or none at all and then I will be left alone, picking up all the courage to live the life without him, yet once again. Kadang-kadang menyesal jugak buat PhD jauh-jauh. Tapi ini cita-cita aku. At the same time, I will feel extremely guilty if he has to choose me over his career. I'm not that selfish. He loves his job and he loves us too. So we have to compromise......as I am quite selfish myself to opt for my cita-cita and leave him behind. To put his interest second and mine first.

I think to myself, if I walked out from this journey with PhD in hand, he will definitely be proud of me. I will make my ma and abah proud. In fact my whole family and my kampung proud. Until then, I got to gather myself, keep my head up and put every single effort to make my dreams a reality, with or without hubby around.