I have always been the confident and the ambitious one. I always get what I want, when I want it and ..in my way.When I was hit with deep depression many many years back, I totally lost my will to live. Not that I was thinking to end my life, NO! But I have to admit that sometimes I thought I might as well ..than to carry this burden of life. Astaghfirullahalzim.
I never want to go back to those 'dark zone' ever again. But, back then, I had great support. Friends and family were at my disposal. My mom said that all this while, I have been blessed....my journey in life have been a smooth ride. So a hitch once in a while won't kill you. It just makes you stronger. Looking back, she was right, apart from being stronger.
Now, I feel as if the feeling is slightly creeping back. No, I am not depressed nor am I having a really tough time. It's just that I think I have had enough. I must say that I enjoyed life as a student in the UK. But enough is enough. It doesn't seem appealing to me anymore. Nothing life could offer will flatter my heart anymore. Same old same old.
I couldn't care less about life as I kept thinking about my study. I have 2 reports to finish and yet I, up to now could not put my heart into it. I can't risk taking my kid for a walk because it seems so wrong to do so when you have so much work at hand. But then again, as the night falls, my progress stays as it is and I just wished we'd been to the park for Alia's bike ride. At least I've done something useful and made my kid happy. This has been happening for more than a week. Heart filled with guilt.
My daughter has to put up with me and my sorry state, almost all the time. I woke up in the morning to find my daughter watching tv, eating Jammie Dodgers biscuit for breakfast. Damn! By the time I cooked her breakfast, it was already lunch time.
I tried to feed her proper meals 3 times a day, when I remember. There are times when, in the middle of the night, I find her fast asleep and it flicked through my head that she has not had her dinner. I feel terrible. The fact that I stocked up on bread, biscuits, waffles and cakes within her reach so she can have it whenever she feels like it, doesn't help to ease this feeling.
I feel as if I am stuck in a rut. I hate not making progress. My hubby asked me to take a break and fly back home, in time for Hari Raya. He said he would bear the cost. I really want to do so. I do! But I just can't. I want to finish my work, I want my supervisor to be happy with my work, I want to impress him. I want to finish my fieldwork and then I want to concentrate on my writing. Then only will I be happy and I want to go somewhere special, like Spain. Until then, whatever I do, I do it half-heartedly. I do it, carrying the guilt with me.
The problem is, I do not find reading journals interesting anymore. I do not find the thrill in playing with graphs and statistics anymore. I do not find the buzz in writing anymore. The flame has gone, perhaps? My confidence is plummeting and the shadow of doubt is there. Whether or not am I capable of doing this and put a stop to the mother of guilt and worrisome? I don't know.
11 comments:
As!!!!! u can do it As. never give up my dear. mmg rasa kusut dan rasa nyesal, tapi sikit je lagi as. kalau rasa down, just think like this, kejap je lagi, sikit je lagi. this will not last forever :D.. i always chant this will not last forever. it works most of the time. and i think its normal to think of urself us a failure, after all we have our ups and downs, we are only human.. u take care my dear. u can do it sweetie :) all the best!!
This will not last forever. This will not last forever. Thanks Sheri. It's good to know that I have a friend like you, who lift my spirit saat-saat mcm ni. Malu la Sheri baca blog As yang Englishnya entah hapa2 ni. But I'm honoured, my fren. Take care, my dear!!
be strong, kak as.
may be i am not the right person to say so..??
tapi, setiap orang ada perjalanan dan takdir sendiri.
be strong!be strong
Thanks Ida. Alhamdulillah skrg feel a bit better, walau takut tu masih ada. Huwaaaaa...makcik nak balik!!
As,
Mmg cabaran yg besar jadi 'single mother' dan buat Phd. K.As tabik As sanggup menempuhi cabarannya.
Bukan kata buat Phd je rasa bersalah tak dapat layan anak dgn betul, masa kita sibuk kerja pun anak2 kdg2 terbiar. At any point in time, ada waktu2 nih. Kita rasa bersalah dan menyesal sgt tp bkn kita sengaja nak buat keadaan jadi macam tu.
K.As doakan As jumpa semula kekuatan utk teruskan perjuangan. There a light at the end of every tunnel (cliche, I know). Semoga beroleh kejayaan!
Selamat berpuasa.
Sufee,
Aku nok balik sgt2 especially time puasa camni tapi hati aku rasa tok sedap nak balik. Rasa bersalah sebab keje tak siap...
K As...
Thank u ever so much. Blaja susah, keje susah..jadik full-time housewife best tak? Hahahha...since K As dah terer dalam tiga-tiga department ni, mebi buleh bagi idea.
I'm sooooooooo lost right now. Rasa nak lari pegi dok Africa kejap. No responsibility & commitment, for a while.
Be strong n aku yakin sgt mu bulih buat :)
wah akak dah ada kat sana..
teringin nak smbung kat overseas..
tpi kat malaysia ni pown terhuyung hayang lagi...
abtw, selamat berposa
P/s.. dedin follow blog akak
Salam Asmida ... Kak Aishah ni. Sungguh, perasaan tu datang balik bila kembali semdiri. Saya ada kawan yang rasa yang sama dan situasi yang sama. Be strong. Salam Lebaran
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